Help My Unbelief

Last month, one the sermons focused on an event in Mark 9. This is after Jesus was transfigured. He is coming down from the mountain to find his disciples have been unable to cast demons out of a boy. The father is exasperated. The disciples couldn’t do it so when he addresses Jesus it comes off as a take-a-shot-if-you-want response. In one moment he is saying to Jesus, “If you can”. Jesus responds, “If I can.” It is not a challenge for Jesus. Jesus knows who he is. He knows where his strength and power come from. The next response from the father is, “I believe, help my unbelief.” Just like that, Jesus met him where he was and the boy was healed. Jesus goes on to instruct his disciples that this type of spirit can only be driven out through prayer and fasting.

Who AM I?

We like to think we know who we are. I know I have control quirks. I know I get really excited about things and easily frustrated when I see no movement toward that vision. I have minor closure issues. (Meaning I have to read the whole book, or series of books because I need to know what happens…even if I dislike the book/movie etc.) I can cook. I am an adequate singer and writer. The idea of running makes me cringe. I detest every cardio machine made…ever. (They are so boring.) I know I love my family. I know I am loved by my family. As self-aware as I believe myself to be I am realizing I am truly clueless in my true identity. My identity in Christ.

The bible states we will do the same and greater things as Christ did. (Those are his words not mine John 14:12-14) Christ healed people, raised people from the dead, Christ walked on water and fed the 5000 with a little boy’s picnic box. Think about it for a moment…the same and greater things. Why? Why aren’t we channeling the power the Christ clearly states is ours? We don’t believe it. We walk in defeat.

Why Does Our Faith Fail

A friend of ours from church said he had been reminding himself not to look down. He then went on to explain that Peter did fine walking on water until he took his eyes off Jesus. Peter looked down. I have done more than my share of looking down. The more I look down the more the earth shifts beneath me, because my focus is off God.

We have a tendency to either look down or look back. (Surprising we don’t have more pillars of salt.) It is human nature to cleave to the familiar. It could be horrible for us and yet because we are comfortable in the discomfort…we have this twisted longing for that familiar pain. This results in us looking back or looking down. With our eyes off Jesus we are powerless. I am the biggest stumbling block in my faith, you are probably the biggest stumbling block in yours.

In Exodus, God tells Moses to say “I AM has sent me.” God did not need to explain any further. When we talk about Jesus, we do not need further explanation as Christians…his name literally says it all. I have been listening to series by Pastor Steven Furtick on Functional Faith. He has stated time and again that, “Faith can’t fix what you won’t face.”

Facing Forward

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. If you read a blog around this time last year…you know this is a difficult day for me. It is a day where the monster of envy raises its head. It’s a day where regret invades my heart. Every Happy Mother’s day feels like a gut punch. The flowers, cards and gifts are not my point. Those are nice, but what I want is my children in church with me or to know they are in church.

I tried to focus on praise and worship, but the moment the sermon started…defeat. I kept having to correct my thoughts in service. Focus on what you can do now, instead of regretting what you did not do in the past. Then there was the scripture I was dreading to hear all morning, Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it.” I know I am not the only one who has had to duel with the devil in the midst of church service.

Praise God, I have not struggled with the depression I usually struggle with this time of year, but yesterday was not me walking in victory. The joy of others made my pain feel that much more real. I want another child and someone close to me is pregnant. I want to be celebrated as so many of the mother’s around me. The truth is…I do not deserve it. I squandered most of my opportunities to impart faith to my children, because I was lost myself. I did not impart faith, hope and charity to my children. Though I love them and I try to set good examples, teach manners and raise them to be decent human beings…my heart was filled with anger and chaos. I see that displayed in their lives now.

Joy Comes In the Morning...well almost

Today is a new day. It is no longer Mother’s Day and I feel like I can breathe. Yesterday was not all bad. I spoke to my family. I heard from 3 of our 4 sons. (That’s pretty good odds with boys) We had breakfast as a family and I got my bedroom organized. Not much by way of rest, because I did not want an idle mind.

Today, I am thankful God’s mercies are new each day. I’m thankful my Heavenly Father comforts me even when I am being a bit irrational about a treasured holiday for Moms. Today, I take my Pastor’s words to heart. His encouragement to not compare ourselves to other mother’s, other people. Their stories are different, their children are different. I can’t unmake the mistakes of my past, but I can learn from them and God will give me an opportunity to parent again, in one form or another.

Faith CAN Fix It

“Faith can’t fix what you won’t face.” I know this is an area I get attacked in very often. I am trying to face it and a dozen other issues so that my faith can break through. I am not yet at that place of rest where I trust fully on God the way I should. I still try to manage things. I still get lazy and soak into my sorrow, instead of fighting like a victor. It is a process. It cannot be rushed.

Nothing of value can ever be rushed…growing faith takes time. Thank you for your grace and mercy, Lord. Thank you for all these blessings. Here I am Lord. Meet me where I am. I do believe, I love you, I trust you…help my unbelief, Lord. AMEN