Commit
This morning before church I confessed to my husband that I have really been struggling with aspects of faith. This was after I had spent time talking to God. Not just what we typically think of in prayer...I was talking to Him. I apologized for being frustrated. Acknowledged that all this confusion was not from Him. Rebuked the enemy. I told God I knew I sounded like a petulant child and that I was struggling to understand, to trust. I thanked Him for his mercy and grace. I asked for more mercy and grace as He moves me through this season. This was tearful plea to my Heavenly Father to strengthen me and show me what I needed to learn, what I was missing.
I have been reminded in the past few weeks of the Parable of the Soils. We almost always attribute that to souls being won and seeds being planted for salvation. It applies in every aspect of our faith. When I rededicated my life I did not immediately feel a conviction to tithe, but I did to serve. In time the tithing took root. The same could even be said for me and my baptism with in the Holy Spirit. At first the weeds kept choking out the message, but eventually the seed caught and the weeds were cleared. The plant is growing but far from full maturity...some days I wonder if it has made it to adolescence even.
You who read my blog probably already know where the struggle is at this moment. Cambodia. Months ago I wrote that the timing was wrong and I believed that to be true. So many things were and are swirling around in our lives that made it seem too daunting. Then there were a series of words given directly to me. Challenges to step out in faith and grow my often too timid trust in God. I stepped out. As a family we made deposits on this trip and circumstances pulled both my son and husband out of the trip almost immediately after the deposits were made. I persevered, even though part of me did not want to go on the trip without them, I felt drawn to this mission. Obstacles presented themselves and were obliterated. The largest being the time off from work and the loss of income I expected. All of these things have fallen one by one. This strengthened my resolve that I was being called on this trip.
I am one week away from a major deadline and I have $950 to go. Immediately after that I have $1250 remaining to raise before June for a total of $2200. Of the $3000 needed I have only been able to raise $800 since January. We have done fundraisers for candles, candy and t-shirts all with sub par results. Each of these things have been prayed over by the team and by those supporting this effort. I mailed out letters to family, friends, business and even a few celebrities that I thought might be moved by our efforts. I have literally done everything I can think of to raise money at this point, but keep falling flat. I cannot begin to convey the confusion and frustration I have been praying away for the last few weeks.
I KNOW this event from the church was prayed over and planned with deliberate intention of winning souls. I KNOW the people involved with it are God seeking individuals and groups who want to share the good new of Jesus to our community. Not one of us know why the event had to fold due to weather. Pastor even commented about not knowing if it were God or the devil that prevented this event. Regardless of who was at work to stop the event, God works all things to the good of those that love Him. The same can be applied to the Cambodia trip.
This brief opening to the sermon by our Pastor changed my perspective swiftly. It also reminded me of something I heard not long ago, "It is easy to believe in God when the sun is shining." Let's just say it has been partly cloudy in my world. There are some areas where I thought God had opened doors, now in retrospect I think maybe I was forcing doors open. I do not do well in the "waiting on the Lord" department. I get impatient and start to doubt - not so much God but myself. Thoughts of "what am I doing wrong" pervade my mind. I would have said once that was insecurity but the more I examine my life and read the word, it seems insecurity is deeply rooted in vanity and pride. Thinking I can somehow handle things or have better judgment than God.
No, I am not parading around saying I know better and consciously I know that God is far wiser than I. Yet, my actions tell another story. When I pray about healing I don't harp on it. I pray about it and then just thank God for what he is doing in that particular situation. Why is that so hard to adapt when it comes to decisions, finances or stepping out in faith in other areas of my life? Somewhere deep inside I think I still have to handle it. Of course I have to make an effort, but God makes the way...not me.
Where's The Message Landing?
You who read my blog probably already know where the struggle is at this moment. Cambodia. Months ago I wrote that the timing was wrong and I believed that to be true. So many things were and are swirling around in our lives that made it seem too daunting. Then there were a series of words given directly to me. Challenges to step out in faith and grow my often too timid trust in God. I stepped out. As a family we made deposits on this trip and circumstances pulled both my son and husband out of the trip almost immediately after the deposits were made. I persevered, even though part of me did not want to go on the trip without them, I felt drawn to this mission. Obstacles presented themselves and were obliterated. The largest being the time off from work and the loss of income I expected. All of these things have fallen one by one. This strengthened my resolve that I was being called on this trip.
I am one week away from a major deadline and I have $950 to go. Immediately after that I have $1250 remaining to raise before June for a total of $2200. Of the $3000 needed I have only been able to raise $800 since January. We have done fundraisers for candles, candy and t-shirts all with sub par results. Each of these things have been prayed over by the team and by those supporting this effort. I mailed out letters to family, friends, business and even a few celebrities that I thought might be moved by our efforts. I have literally done everything I can think of to raise money at this point, but keep falling flat. I cannot begin to convey the confusion and frustration I have been praying away for the last few weeks.
The Yokes On Me
Our church had a massive outreach even planned for Easter. They were dropping 25,000 eggs at a local recreation center complex from helicopter. It would have fed hundreds of people both spiritually and practically as we were serving food too. The weather has been difficult. Due to excessive rain the event was postponed a week, only to have the area saturated with additional rain the following week. This ultimately resulted in having to cancel the egg drop event. This morning Pastor Luke Brugger touched on this topic and admitted he did not know why things unfolded the way they did. He did not focus on a missed opportunity, he focused on putting our efforts in to the next opportunity and each opportunity that follows.I KNOW this event from the church was prayed over and planned with deliberate intention of winning souls. I KNOW the people involved with it are God seeking individuals and groups who want to share the good new of Jesus to our community. Not one of us know why the event had to fold due to weather. Pastor even commented about not knowing if it were God or the devil that prevented this event. Regardless of who was at work to stop the event, God works all things to the good of those that love Him. The same can be applied to the Cambodia trip.
This brief opening to the sermon by our Pastor changed my perspective swiftly. It also reminded me of something I heard not long ago, "It is easy to believe in God when the sun is shining." Let's just say it has been partly cloudy in my world. There are some areas where I thought God had opened doors, now in retrospect I think maybe I was forcing doors open. I do not do well in the "waiting on the Lord" department. I get impatient and start to doubt - not so much God but myself. Thoughts of "what am I doing wrong" pervade my mind. I would have said once that was insecurity but the more I examine my life and read the word, it seems insecurity is deeply rooted in vanity and pride. Thinking I can somehow handle things or have better judgment than God.
No, I am not parading around saying I know better and consciously I know that God is far wiser than I. Yet, my actions tell another story. When I pray about healing I don't harp on it. I pray about it and then just thank God for what he is doing in that particular situation. Why is that so hard to adapt when it comes to decisions, finances or stepping out in faith in other areas of my life? Somewhere deep inside I think I still have to handle it. Of course I have to make an effort, but God makes the way...not me.
I find myself today meditating on this scripture, "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans." (Proverbs 16:3) I am certain there is more commentary about the literal translation, but today I am taking this at face value. Establish is defined as a verb meaning to be set-up; recognized; accepted; or show something to be true.
If I am honest with myself I have not fully committed any plan to the Lord, because I keep interfering. It is difficult to recognize something if the person never hands it over to be examined. I keep trying to "help" the process along. This realization puts an image in my head of trying to clean house when my boys were toddlers. They wanted to help me and I let them...only to have to work twice has hard to get things accomplished and have my boys upset that Mommy did not have time to play because she was always cleaning. Their help delayed the work, just as my attempts to help delay God's move in the situation.
My pride, yup that is what it is, hates to admit I am still a toddler in my faith. I'm no longer on milk, I can walk on my own, but God is constantly having to smack my hand away from the hot stove. It breaks my heart that I break His so often when I snatch a burden back out of His hands.
Where To Now?
I do not know what is going to happen in the coming days regarding Cambodia. I don't know when there is going to be relief for my husband's job or our finances. What I do know is I can pray, read the Bible, fellowship, tithe, fast and love others. So in this moment, that is my plan. The plan I am committing to the Lord for the next 5 days is to fast, pray, read my Bible, and focus on others both in prayer and fellowship. The battle has beaten me up lately, but I am not going to be defeated. If Christ calls me more than a conqueror, it is high time I start acting like one.
Comments
Post a Comment