Pull It Together Already

Do you ever feel like the harder you try, the more things fall apart? I certainly do. Let me tell you...today, today brought me to a breaking point that had me leaving work half crying and half praying. That's not accurate...I was full body crying. Ugly crying. I was making an effort to pray and to count my blessings. It remained mostly crying.

When I finally got home, I ate alone. More crying. More praying until my husband got home. I felt compelled to pull myself together once he was home, because trust me, the issues he deals with at his job are a level of stress I cannot begin to imagine carrying. I may have little help with my job, but he has none. No support from the owner and drivers are unreliable. Then add to that the expectations and demands of the company they are subcontracted for. He gets constant pressure from each direction. Things have been so rough for him recently, I could not bare to mention it being Valentine's Day for concern he would feel guilty for not acknowledging what day it was. Our number one prayer at the moment is new employment ASAP.

Once things settled a bit, I was able to catch the special youth service on Facebook Live. (Seriously, putting sermons on Facebook, YouTube or Livestream is the best thing ever.) I was almost 40 minutes after service starting before I could log on. The timing was perfect as the special guest were beginning to speak. Their message was beautiful and reinforced the need for living holy. It was encouraging to my heart.

Revelation In A Sentence

Then I heard one of those 1 minute of encouragement blurbs on KLOVE. Levi Lusko called it a sermon in a sentence, "When your touch is light, your hand can be full." Is that what it really boils down too? Am I holding so tight, with a clinched fist that I can't receive more in my present state? Is that the real issue with me "getting out of the way"? If it is, how do I change it? My nature is to plan, prepare, try to improve upon, organize whatever is in front of me. How do I stop being me?

The pressure has been on my husband and I for many months now. Honestly, it took a noticeable shift after we were baptized last May. The pressure has been so intense at times that my guard fell and I found myself swimming in anxiety, depression and sugar. Today's  tearful meltdown was more about frustration. Frustration with out situation on multiple fronts. Frustration with jobs, people, circumstances, and I could list another dozen things. I was not sad. If anything I was getting angry.

One of the leaders of my small group talks about getting angry. To paraphrase, you have to get angry enough that you dig in, grab hold of every ounce of your faith and say "ENOUGH". Maybe that is why the pressure is building up so much. Maybe I have not gotten angry enough with being conquered to grasp hold of the promise of being more than a conqueror. Perhaps the additional time in prayer and the word has triggered this in my being. Because I am mad. I am mad that my life does not look like what God promises. (Understand, I'm not mad at God - I do not want anyone misunderstanding that.) 

Woman In The Mirror

So I try to examine my life? God's promises are for the obedient. I can't figure out what I am not doing or what I am doing wrong to block God's work. So I pray. I pray for the Spirit of God to convict me and to purge what is displeasing to God. I am praying for wisdom both in how to pray and in gaining wisdom from the Word of God. Now...I have to pray for intervention on how to keep my touch light.

Perhaps today was not about me falling apart. (I am praying for a baby girl, so maybe it was my hormones going nuts and I just don't know I'm pregnant yet...that would be amazing!) There are many different reasons I could give for my melt down today. I am determined to stick with just one...things are falling into place. I know God is moving in my life, in my home, so the only explanation is things are on the brink of coming together. Which means the devil is going to fight really hard to keep me from what is just out of reach in this moment. 

Nothing, no one is going to stop my faith from growing. God loves me and the Holy Spirit is guiding me, so I am in perfect company as everything comes together for good according to His will.