Tired of the Fear, Tired of the Fight

Ok, ok...the title sounds depressing. It really is not that kind of post. Remember when David wrote in the Psalms, "Why so downcast, oh my soul?" It is really more of that kind of post.

Friday, after 6pm on Day 5 of the fast I caved and I ate. I made a decision, to break my fast for 24 hours and start again Sunday morning. This is not a boast of piety but one of learning. I honestly did not give in to my hunger...if I am honest I have not had but a few moments of discomfort and hunger. Actually, I have felt pretty amazing all week. My brain kept relaying the message "it is your first real fast, you have gone long enough". I gave in to fear and logic.

Fear of Failure

The greatest obstacle I face daily is my fear of failure. I want things to be perfect, because I fear failing. What if I make a mistake? I know full well that failure is how we learn and grow. Scratch that, I know in my head that is how failure works. What we call failure is really a learning process that we encounter tens of hundreds of thousands of times...until we get something right. Most of the things we "perfect" in our lives come after long seasons of not being so perfect.

Approaching the fast, I believe I shared my fears more than once. Could I see it through? If I drink this is that "cheating"? Mind you, I am the same person who said a few days ago God knows our heart as we pray and fast. He knows where we are, even when we sometimes are not sure ourselves. The thing is our flesh will always be at war with our spirit. Logic and faith are going to be at odds with one another. The legalistic view of fasting keeps creeping up on me. The same happens for me with prayer at times. Am I doing it right? I have this switch in my brain that reaches a point and says "Whoa, who do you think you are? You have to be faking it, this is not you." (Yes, my inner dialogue can be pretty brutal sometimes. A few of those inner voices need to shut up.)

So what do we do when our inner voice screams at us with direct, intransigent, logical arguments? It depends. How focused are we on God in those moments? Do we stop and take the few moments to ask God for his mercy in our time of doubt, anger, or inadequacy? For most of us the answer is going to be not always. Do you lay hold of a scripture that speaks to your weakness or do you carry on with business as usual?

2 Corinthians 3:17 tells us,"...where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM". Have you ever felt free once when you operated in fear? No, none of us have because fear is a prison uniquely designed by each of our experiences, expectations and our concerns of what others will think.

What Will People Say

Most all of us are concerned with our reputation on some level. I probably struggle with this more than I should. The funny thing about that is I was never raised to think about what others thought. I am not going to pay twice the price to have a specific label on my clothes. I have no problem with the store brand, if it is good quality. I do not wear make-up everyday. It is basically a "this is me" attitude about my wardrobe and outward appearance. This does not mean I am constantly bumming around or unkempt...I just choose comfort and utility over flash in my daily life.

My words, actions, and declarations are different. For instance, we posted the fund raiser of adopt-a-box for the 2018 Cambodia trip. We have to raise the first $900 before the end of the month for a deposit. The only way this is happening is for God to intervene. I tried making it all happen with careful planning, then my son's car died. The engine just stopped on him while he was on the highway. Not a big deal we have two vehicles and he can use my husbands. Until the wreck happened on December 18th that totaled the car. Thankfully and most importantly, Devon is fine. We need to replace that vehicle. The money I had started tucking away for the deposit, has to go toward replacing a car.

In my head, all I can think about is "what-if". What if Joe and I are unable to go on the trip this year because of all the life events that have been happening? Are these obstacles "trials of faith" or are we so hardheaded that God has to let us get hit with some massive obstacles for us to understand he is telling us "not yet". When that tugging to wait rises up, my next thought is "people will think we are frauds".

Tired of the Fight

I am just going to say it...I am so sick of fighting myself. I am tired of holding on to plans, ideas and the lot so tightly that I make myself sick with my own expectations. That is not freedom. You cannot experience the joy of the Lord, if you are tangled in knots worried about approval, reprisal, and failure.

The fight I have been engaged in is not the good fight talked about in 1 Timothy 6:12. 1 Timothy speaks of the good fight of faith. That is the battle I need to be fully engaged in.

Moving Forward with My Mustard Seed

I told you last week that fervency and earnest were my 2018 words. Let me put FAITH above both of

those. I firmly believe that it will take fervency and earnestness to grow my faith in 2018, but faith is the focus. When I return to the fast on Sunday, my focus shifts to a few focused items: 1. my faith, 2. salvation of my loved ones, 3. healing of my loved ones, and 4. financial peace. The pursuit of those are grounded in prayer, fasting, and giving.

This is my journey and only I can make it. Realizing that for yourself is important, but you are not on your journey alone. Yes, of course I mean God is with you but there is more than that. We each have partners in our life - family, friends, teachers, mentors, and pastors. It's a personal journey linked to the personal journey of every person you encounter.

As I spend today refocusing, I encourage you to do the same. Each of us is on the cusp of the breakthrough we have been striving for. Lay hold of God's word and trust Him to take you forward. Grab your mustard seed and make good use of it. Just remember, that seed will not turn into a tree overnight.