Onward Through The Valley
It is 2:15 PM on Wednesday May 31 as I start this blog. I have a doctors appointment in a about an hour. After my little meltdown yesterday, you can imagine that I am not exactly excited to journey back into a medical professional's office so soon.
I feel run down. Physically, mentally and even a little run down spiritually. I am learning that even the women, and men, that I think have it all together struggle with this occasionally. I want Galatians 6:9 "So we must not grow weary in doing good, for in due time we will reap, if we do not give up." I want John 15:8, "When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father." I want to run and not grow weary. I want to have faith to move mountains. I want to be bold. I want to hear the still small voice of God so clearly I do not question if it is my random thoughts or his instruction. I want to see the blessings flow out of the windows of heaven. I want to "GO into all the world..." Mark 16:15.
Where am I? Sitting at my computer trying to figure out what is wrong with me. This last year has been a marked transformation in my husband and I. We have had healing. We have seen provision. Yet something feels stagnant. I am reading my Bible. I pray daily, but honestly probably need to pray more. We tithe. I look to be obedient, but I am obviously missing a step somewhere. Right? I know God's promises are true. I have experienced it for myself and I have witnessed it in the life of others.
I am a planner. I have survived by planning for the worst. This whole concept of expecting great things is sometimes a challenge for me. This has nothing to do with whether God can or will do. He can and he will. It has to do with decades, yes decades, of insecurities. Years of wondering how will the rent or mortgage get paid. Do not mistake me. My husband and I have been in dire financial straits in the past. Our bills are paid and we tithe...that's about it though. We are not saving. I really do not feel like we are able to bless through offering either, when we do it is small and feels so insignificant.
So I look back at the words I wrote yesterday. (Or for you my reader, 3 paragraphs ago) Tonight, I find myself feeling like breaking through this plateau is a surgical procedure. I have to know how to use the instruments. I have to know my subject. I'm not a surgeon. Despite my many years in and out of church, my understanding and grasp of living as a daughter of God is so limited by my life experiences.
I know...what does that even mean? It means I have the knowledge, but I have not yet learned how to wield it. Though so much of the past no longer tugs at me, this element of my person that plans for the worst just keeps showing back up. Do not misunderstand. Planning is not a bad thing. It is responsible and mature to have a plan of action. My plans are not just plans of action. I forge contingencies for the WORST case scenarios in my head. I am talking the scenarios that you do not dare speak for fear they would come true. For example, last night during our youth service I heard gunshots outside. It's smart to survey the room and try to access if there is a threat. In fact, my husband and another gentleman went closer to the door to check things out...just to be safe. I sat in my chair and started accessing the exits. How could we safely move all these young people out of the building and to a safe location? Mind you, we go to church in an area where someone could have a private berm in their backyard. There was no reason for me to go to the extreme I went to in my head.
When something creeps into life that startles or scares me, I autopilot to worst case scenario. The doctor appointment I did not want to go to yesterday presented a few more obstacles for us to overcome. My mind shifts from "How can we afford this?" to "Will we survive this?". When I catch myself spinning into that doomsday-panic-fear-anxiety mode, I start telling God I am thankful. Thankful I only have a co-pay instead of paying the full admission at the doctor. Thankful I have a vehicle to get me to the appointments. Thankful my husband loves me. Thankful for my family, friends and church. I try to praise...but it feels off.
I shared with someone earlier tonight all these fears and worries. In my heart I know everything is in God's hands, it's my mind I battle. I reached out to this person for intercession. My prayer feels distracted. My praise the last couple days has felt forced. I do not want to be fake. I do not want to slip into a person who goes through the motions of faith. I want to BE faith.
Maybe that very desire is what is holding me back. I do not want to be a phony and I know that I still have some struggles. Perhaps that is the real attack from the enemy. Maybe it is not the strain on my finances or health, perhaps those are just symptoms. The real attack might be far more subtle. It is an attack through insecurities. I obviously talk, or rather write my thoughts and feelings rather freely. If you read this blog at least twice you will pick up on the insecurities I wrestle with. However, we ALL have insecurities. Some of us are very aware of our insecurities and can rattle them off like a list for the grocery store. Some of us have hidden our insecurities for so long, even we do not recognize them. That really does not help anyone, including ourselves.
Instead of stewing in my frustrations, I reached out to someone who is grounded in faith. I reached out to someone who has been through a version of this valley. I reached out to someone who would sharpen me with prayer, scripture and loving conversation. I can acknowledge that it may be foolish to share so much with a world of people I do not know, as well as, the friends and family that read my blog. This is how I prevent all that troubles me from consuming me. I write. I do not do diaries or journals. I write. I have spent a lifetime writing poems, stories, plays and blogs in lieu of therapy. I believe there is an element of strength, a quickening of the spirit that comes from sharing your story. Faith, understanding, knowledge all start from what we hear and read.
Though some of the things I share may in fact be very foolish to make public, I believe there is wisdom in admitting the things I struggle with. For a very long time, I stayed silent. I kept everything bottled up because I was ashamed. All that did was hurt me more. As I have shared my struggles and shameful secrets, I have connected with more people. People who want to encourage and challenge me, people who need someone to hold their hand that has experienced a similar struggle.
Foolish or wise, feel free to make that decision for yourself. I am a woman who desperately wants to be a lioness in her faith. I am a wife who gets frustrated with her husband. I am a mother who needs a break from the drama of her children. I am a daughter who worries about her parents. I am a sister, an aunt, a friend, a leader, a follower and the list goes on and on. In every aspect of my life I can show you foolishness and wisdom, success and failure. The insecurities will fade in time. I will come through these current trials with a testimony I never had before. For now, I am an unfinished work in the Master's hands. Moldable clay that has yet to be fired and finished as a perfected work.
My dear friend Kayla shared this verse with me and I am holding tight to it. Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your god, who upholds your right hand, who says to you, do not fear, I will help you" Thanks Kayla...this has been a BIG help.
I feel run down. Physically, mentally and even a little run down spiritually. I am learning that even the women, and men, that I think have it all together struggle with this occasionally. I want Galatians 6:9 "So we must not grow weary in doing good, for in due time we will reap, if we do not give up." I want John 15:8, "When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father." I want to run and not grow weary. I want to have faith to move mountains. I want to be bold. I want to hear the still small voice of God so clearly I do not question if it is my random thoughts or his instruction. I want to see the blessings flow out of the windows of heaven. I want to "GO into all the world..." Mark 16:15.
Where am I? Sitting at my computer trying to figure out what is wrong with me. This last year has been a marked transformation in my husband and I. We have had healing. We have seen provision. Yet something feels stagnant. I am reading my Bible. I pray daily, but honestly probably need to pray more. We tithe. I look to be obedient, but I am obviously missing a step somewhere. Right? I know God's promises are true. I have experienced it for myself and I have witnessed it in the life of others.
Another Day
I am a planner. I have survived by planning for the worst. This whole concept of expecting great things is sometimes a challenge for me. This has nothing to do with whether God can or will do. He can and he will. It has to do with decades, yes decades, of insecurities. Years of wondering how will the rent or mortgage get paid. Do not mistake me. My husband and I have been in dire financial straits in the past. Our bills are paid and we tithe...that's about it though. We are not saving. I really do not feel like we are able to bless through offering either, when we do it is small and feels so insignificant.
So I look back at the words I wrote yesterday. (Or for you my reader, 3 paragraphs ago) Tonight, I find myself feeling like breaking through this plateau is a surgical procedure. I have to know how to use the instruments. I have to know my subject. I'm not a surgeon. Despite my many years in and out of church, my understanding and grasp of living as a daughter of God is so limited by my life experiences.
I know...what does that even mean? It means I have the knowledge, but I have not yet learned how to wield it. Though so much of the past no longer tugs at me, this element of my person that plans for the worst just keeps showing back up. Do not misunderstand. Planning is not a bad thing. It is responsible and mature to have a plan of action. My plans are not just plans of action. I forge contingencies for the WORST case scenarios in my head. I am talking the scenarios that you do not dare speak for fear they would come true. For example, last night during our youth service I heard gunshots outside. It's smart to survey the room and try to access if there is a threat. In fact, my husband and another gentleman went closer to the door to check things out...just to be safe. I sat in my chair and started accessing the exits. How could we safely move all these young people out of the building and to a safe location? Mind you, we go to church in an area where someone could have a private berm in their backyard. There was no reason for me to go to the extreme I went to in my head.
When something creeps into life that startles or scares me, I autopilot to worst case scenario. The doctor appointment I did not want to go to yesterday presented a few more obstacles for us to overcome. My mind shifts from "How can we afford this?" to "Will we survive this?". When I catch myself spinning into that doomsday-panic-fear-anxiety mode, I start telling God I am thankful. Thankful I only have a co-pay instead of paying the full admission at the doctor. Thankful I have a vehicle to get me to the appointments. Thankful my husband loves me. Thankful for my family, friends and church. I try to praise...but it feels off.
Fake It Till You Make It
I shared with someone earlier tonight all these fears and worries. In my heart I know everything is in God's hands, it's my mind I battle. I reached out to this person for intercession. My prayer feels distracted. My praise the last couple days has felt forced. I do not want to be fake. I do not want to slip into a person who goes through the motions of faith. I want to BE faith.
Maybe that very desire is what is holding me back. I do not want to be a phony and I know that I still have some struggles. Perhaps that is the real attack from the enemy. Maybe it is not the strain on my finances or health, perhaps those are just symptoms. The real attack might be far more subtle. It is an attack through insecurities. I obviously talk, or rather write my thoughts and feelings rather freely. If you read this blog at least twice you will pick up on the insecurities I wrestle with. However, we ALL have insecurities. Some of us are very aware of our insecurities and can rattle them off like a list for the grocery store. Some of us have hidden our insecurities for so long, even we do not recognize them. That really does not help anyone, including ourselves.
Foolish or Wise
Instead of stewing in my frustrations, I reached out to someone who is grounded in faith. I reached out to someone who has been through a version of this valley. I reached out to someone who would sharpen me with prayer, scripture and loving conversation. I can acknowledge that it may be foolish to share so much with a world of people I do not know, as well as, the friends and family that read my blog. This is how I prevent all that troubles me from consuming me. I write. I do not do diaries or journals. I write. I have spent a lifetime writing poems, stories, plays and blogs in lieu of therapy. I believe there is an element of strength, a quickening of the spirit that comes from sharing your story. Faith, understanding, knowledge all start from what we hear and read.
Though some of the things I share may in fact be very foolish to make public, I believe there is wisdom in admitting the things I struggle with. For a very long time, I stayed silent. I kept everything bottled up because I was ashamed. All that did was hurt me more. As I have shared my struggles and shameful secrets, I have connected with more people. People who want to encourage and challenge me, people who need someone to hold their hand that has experienced a similar struggle.
Foolish or wise, feel free to make that decision for yourself. I am a woman who desperately wants to be a lioness in her faith. I am a wife who gets frustrated with her husband. I am a mother who needs a break from the drama of her children. I am a daughter who worries about her parents. I am a sister, an aunt, a friend, a leader, a follower and the list goes on and on. In every aspect of my life I can show you foolishness and wisdom, success and failure. The insecurities will fade in time. I will come through these current trials with a testimony I never had before. For now, I am an unfinished work in the Master's hands. Moldable clay that has yet to be fired and finished as a perfected work.
What is your favorite scripture or quote of encouragement?
How do you deal with life's storms when they show up out of no where?
My dear friend Kayla shared this verse with me and I am holding tight to it. Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your god, who upholds your right hand, who says to you, do not fear, I will help you" Thanks Kayla...this has been a BIG help.
Comments
Post a Comment